Remembering
by katyfaise
Summary: Roger hates to remember what happened exactly three months and thirteen days ago.


**AN- This depressed me. But you know, I had to. Ideas hit you, you got to write them out. Amniotic fluid embolism actually happened to my aunt, God rest her soul. I copied what the doctor said to my uncle. I don't know exactly what happens but I got the gist of it. Anyway, hope you like it. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer- I don't own RENT.**

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It had been exactly three months and thirteen days since she'd died. And in those three months and thirteen days I had barely left my room. 

It was hard, remembering everything, looking at the pictures of the two of us. I remembered the day she found out that she was pregnant. Besides the fear, and the worry, she was ecstatic. Mimi used to tell me how much she'd always wanted a kid. I'd never really thought about it. Being a father wasn't exactly the most important thing on my list. Getting famous, getting out of the shitty loft, maybe putting a ring on Mimi's finger one day.. All of that seemed more important than anything else.

But she was excited. Her excitement just seemed to wash off on me. And Mimi tried to do everything right. She took her antibiotics, took the prenatal vitamins. It was a great pregnancy. I was pretty sure that because the pregnancy was going so well, our baby was going to be great.

I remember when she went into labor. There wasn't anything special about the day. Just another day hanging out at the loft. Mark was helping Collins move into another apartment and we were enjoying our day alone. When the contractions began, and her water finally broke, everything in my life stopped. This was real. She was actually going to have the baby.

I took a shower. Mimi called Maureen and told her that she hated me because I was taking a shower. It makes me smile to this day.

She had a long labor. I remember standing beside her as she laid in the bed. "If you ever knock me up again I'll cut your fucking balls off." I think the doctor was a bit scared of Mimi after she said that. I held her hand as she pushed. It seemed like it would never end. It did though. And soon I could hear the cries.

"It's a girl," I remember the doctor saying. She held the baby up, letting us see her. As soon as I turned to look at the baby though, I could hear the long, steady beep on the machine she was hooked up to.

"What's going on?" I asked, my voice rising. Before I knew it, the doctor gave the baby over to a nurse and was trying to give Mimi CPR. "What's happening?"

I couldn't even heard my own voice anymore. Two orderlies were rushing me out of the room. I don't remember if I tried to fight or not.

I ended up standing in the waiting room, silent, even though my friends were trying to figure out what was going on. I don't remember how much time went by. But when the doctor came out, I noticed that she was staring at the ground. I knew bad news when I saw it.

"How is she?"

"I'm sorry that I have to tell you this.." she began, shaking her head. "She had an amniotic fluid embolism."

At this point, I was just staring at the woman. I didn't know what that meant. I just wanted her to tell me that Mimi was alive.

"Amniotic fluid must have entered one of the vessels in the uterus. There was nothing we could've done. It's rare. But once the fluid enters, it travels to the heart.. I'm so sorry, but she didn't make it. Your daughter is fine, though."

I felt my knees buckling underneath me. I remember Collins catching me and telling me that everything was okay. I had a daughter now. I had to stay strong.

I just wondered if they'd tested her for HIV yet. With my luck, she wouldn't make it.

They let me see Mimi's body. She looked so different now. Clean, peaceful, young. She was only twenty five. Twenty five. I just couldn't believe it. Of course she might have died young because of the disease but.. not this young.

All this remembering stuff was hard. And my thoughts were interrupted when I heard the cries coming from the crib across the room.

I stood up and crossed the room. It was two in the morning and it was unusual for her to wake up like this. Bad dreams I figured. That's why I was up.

Solana. My little sunshine. Mimi had started calling her that once she'd found out she was having a girl. I liked it. Maybe because she was a bit of sunshine in the darkness.

I picked her up, holding her gently in my arms. "Don't cry, baby. You're okay.."

She was clean. As long as she got a shot of antibiotics every month to fight against any sign of HIV then she would be just fine. Mimi would be so happy.

"You look just like your mother. She's just as pretty as you are.." I whispered, running her hand over her dark hair. She was every bit a reincarnation of Mimi. I'd have to lock her up in a room once she reached dating age if she was anything like her mom.

I stood there, humming until she fell back asleep. I don't remember when I started crying. But I could see my tears dropping onto her blanket. I cursed lightly before I laid her back into the crib.

I moved back to my bed and laid down, hoping I could get some sleep. After wiping the tears from my eyes, I turned onto my side, staring at the crib in the darkness.

I hated remembering.


End file.
